ShareThisOn the same day that there's a story in the New York Post saying Tiger Woods has hired former presidential press secretary Ari Fleischer to help him prepare for the media onslaught he'll face whenever he returns to the PGA Tour,, there's also a story about notorious and outrageous radio shock jock Howard Stern hosting a "Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant."
And the winner is...
The lovely -- or at least shapely -- Jamie Jungers, who claims to have been in bed with Tiger when he got the news that his father, Earl, had died.
All that was missing, besides several layers of clothing -- the three contestants all wore bikinis -- was Bert Parks singing: "Oh, there she is - Miss Adultery!"
It is great theater.
Or if not exactly great theater, then certainly entertaining theater.
Theater of the absurd, perhaps, but nevertheless an ongoing performance that holds the prurient interest of the nation.
Act I was drama and mystery: Tiger crashing his SUV in the wee hours of the morning, hitting a tree and a fire hydrant around the corner from his mansion in Orlando, then being "rescued" by his lovely wife, Elin, who used one of Tiger's golf clubs to smash a window in the vehicle in order to free her hurting husband.
Act II was bedroom farce, as it was revealed that Tiger had hurriedly left the house to escape the wrath of Elin, who'd found a message on her wayward hubby's phone from a woman who, as it turned out, was only one in a series of mistresses Tiger had been accumulating like major championships.
Act III was both tragedy and comedy, as Tiger plummeted from icon to joke, his reputation in tatters as the public that had adored him because of his unequalled golfing skills laughed at his sexual misadventures.
Act IV was Tiger's carefully scripted, nationally televised apology, which appeared more contrived than contrite.
Now, it appears, the next act is about to begin, with Tiger's long-anticipated return to the Tour.
When he returns, Tiger will have to field questions from the media, and that is where Fleischer will play an important role.
Press secretary to President George W. Bush from 2001-2003, Fleischer two years ago started his own sports communications firm, specializing in crisis response and control.
There's no question that Woods is in full crisis mode.
Tiger and his handlers at IMG presumably were impressed with the guidance Fleischer provided to steroid-pumped Mark McGwire, who finally "fessed up'' so he could get a job in major league baseball as a batting instructor with the St. Louis Cardinals, for whom he hit a record-setting number -- 70, in 1998 -- of artificially enhanced home runs.
But steroids aren't as sexy -- pun intended -- to the American public as Tiger's string of alleged mistresses.
So enter, stage left, the colorful and provocative Stern, he of highly questionable taste, and even higher ratings.
In what was either an appalling or highly amusing show Wednesday, Stern had as guests the following debutantes: Jamie Jungers, Jaimee Grubbs, and Loredana Jolie Ferriolo, all of whom claim to have had sexual relationships with Woods.
Suffice to say they were anything but reluctant to kiss-and-tell-all to Stern, including graphic descriptions of Tiger's sexual proclivities, and even, as they say on Tour, what clubs he carries in his bag.
The tantalizing trio was vying to win the "Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant," and the $75,000 prize -- provided, as it turns out, by the website AshleyMadison.com, whose motto is: "Life is short; have an affair" -- that went with it.
The winner was Jungers, who said she met Woods in 2005 while working as a hostess at a party in a Las Vegas casino.
Runner-up, and earning a prize of $15,000, was Jaimee Grubbs, a cocktail waitress in L.A. who claims her affair with Woods went on for 2-1/2 years. She also says it was a communication from her to Tiger that prompted Elin's tirade and the subsequent auto accident that triggered Tiger's fall from grace.
Third place -- and $10,000 -- went to Loredana Jolie Ferriolo, a model (she posed for Playboy) who at one time proclaimed her "role model" to be Brittney Spears.
Presumably, all three lovely ladies tied for the title of Miss Congeniality.
So good luck, Ari Fleischer. Because this is the sort of thing Woods is going to have to deal with for the foreseeable future. The titillating tales about Tiger are not going to go away any time soon.
Woods is a control freak, and his life is spinning out of control. Now it's Fleischer's job to mastermind the spin control in an effort to rehabilitate Tiger's tarnished image.
When Tiger returns to the tour, he'd undoubtedly like it to be all about golf. But whether he can resume his position as the world's best player -- physically, there's no question he can; but whether the inevitable questions about everything else going on in his life will affect him mentally remains to be seen -- isn't the only story.
There will continue to be stories such as who won the "Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant."
(Contact Jim Donaldson at jdonalds(at)projo.com.)
(Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.scrippsnews.com.)
columnMust credit The Providence Journal
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